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| Well well ever heard of unconditional love? I think I have it but I'm not sure it's good thing. And obviously it's for one girl.
For one I can't really forget about her. The thought of her makes me smile. I love her but she can make my emotions fluctuate so easily because I care. I guess I should at least give reasons why I love her.
Well very simply I love her due to how she made me want to be better. I had no drive to go to college but because of her I felt I needed a better education to keep up with her and give her a good life if we ever got to that point. I started working out more and more because she did and I didn't wanna feel unfit. And I really feel she should get the best of me. I was at ease with talking to her about anything. At least that used to be the case.
Now I am really a better person then I was before I broke up with her because of her. Good or bad I took the experience and moved forward. But somethings not right.
We're friends again after a long while or so I'd like to think. But now I don't feel at ease talking to her yet I feel the need to be appreciated by her. It makes me nervous and I don't respond correctly sometimes. It's like she was able to build a wall between us without trying. And it's almost like she wants me to care about her but keeps me at arms length further confusing me.
Yet I feel despite this I can never be angry with her or hold a grudge. It's really starting to get to me. I feel nervous being in her presence. So I avoid speaking to her altogether. Yet I do want to say something but I can't think of anything. So I end up going with not talking. And when I do get around to it sometimes I feel I'll just be looked at as an annoyance and rightfully so I might as well be with the responses I get from her sometimes. And still I can't really have a real attraction to any other girl.
I don't know I'm just a stupid boy caring for some girl who wants to forget about me. I'm suppose to be her friend but I can't even follow her wishes it seems. I'll be stuck like this for a while I guess. I can't help but love her.
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| I have nothing to really say. I just know I'll never understand her. I'm not good at reading people I care a lot about. I'm really just useless when it comes to caring. I shouldn't even bother trying.
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| I love this new laptop I'm on first off it's simply awesome. All mine and no one elses as well. I can do with it as I please.
And if anyone goes through my photos you can see I have a big KR sentai collection growing. I've spent way too much already. Bah oh well hoarding money for a long time is boring compared to spending it. I used to hoard now I have a reason to spend.
Wow was my first programming test ever so easy. I also read ahead in the book on C++ so I can get my hw done quicker and concentrate on math. Which I messed up on. First test got me a 46. Definitely not good at all. I know I'll get better soon enough though.
I have loads of college stuff to do in general so I've had no time to do things like idly play like animal crossing. I wish I could though. I'm stuck with no money in that game with little house expansions. At the very least I can bother my new hamsters every once in a while and maybe repaint some figures which has become my hobby now.
With that said I really cannot wait for the break. I get to rest for a week with no school. Though I do wish this semester would end already. Only two months to go before I can rest from school and go find a job. I feel work is less stressful then school in a way. And I can finally have time to workout again because god knows I've been putting it off. I do random spurts here and there but I don't feel I have time for good long workout like I'd like to do. Hopefully I can get my arms stronger. I still feel they're rather feeble I mean I can't even do over 50 push ups. I can do almost any other workout over 300 except for arm related movements. Which just bites.
Oh well all for now. I write every once in a while out of boredem but now I'll get back to my work.
~<3Ricardo
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| I've been doing so much. I'm about 1/4 into my semester and I still screw up in math. Ugh well at the very least I won't give up on it. one 46 won't kill me. I just need to ace the next exam. I will do it. Other classes like psych, programming, and English I find easy and I'll ace them with ease. I won't give up on anything anymore. It's something I truly hate doing. If I have to fall I'll do it falling forward.
I'm feeling very good now. I'm gonna get back into my work out. I don't want my abs to go to waste. I also want some upper body strength too. Everything has a good amount of muscle except my arms. I need them to be better. It's the only thing I've been lacking. I guess it's time to find a work out for them too.
I've been working on my collection. I've gotten a lot if you look through my pics in my xanga. Leona made me want to start it now. I'll build it to my liking. I can't idle stand around to get them. I need to work on it till it's complete. It's something I've always wanted. I don't have much space in this house so for now I'll only buy figures and some mechs. But eventually I'll have everything I've ever wanted.
I also need more games but my hobby gobbles up my cash. I am planning on working this summer for next years book money, a 360, banjo kazooie, and street fighter IV. I'll buy more wii games too once they go down in price. That'll be a while but gaming isn't my main thing these days so I can wait. Animal Crossing: City folk is a fun time waster. People should try it out more it's rather entertaining.
I guess lastly I rejected my love life completely. I really do not want it at all. I only tried before because I wanted her more then anything. But now I have no real intrest in anyone. The feeling isn't the same. No one make me feel as good as it used to be. Nothing can replace that void at all. I'm fine by myself. It never really mattered much to me before. I was never one of those people who desperately wanted a girlfriend. I see no point in forcing myself into someone new so I'll leave it at that. Girls can be attractive in both looks and personality but the ones I can mesh well with are very few. Even if I could get a girl intrested rather easily if I'm not into it I find it unfair to the girl. I only try if I really want it. If not I'll leave her be.
But I'm rather fine getting back to my normal pace. I have fun, go out with friends to the movies or something else for fun whenever I feel like it, relax in the comfort of my home, and occasionally brush up on my college stuff. Of course I miss having that person around but she's happy and thats all that mattered to me in the end. To see her smile.
~<3Ricardo
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| That's right nothing even if it's something to me. She never listened to my apology she just once again decided she was right and always will be right. It's been a while now since I last talk to her. And I bet you anything she still doesn't fucking get it. Those who think women can't be mean or insensitive don't know shit. So let me explain why I got so mad at her that made her want to block me out of my life.
She played with my emotions. We broke up alright I understand. She ignored me for ages and told me she hated me. So fine I went to find comfort elsewhere. And when I started getting close to some other girl guess what happened? Jealousy got to her. She came back crying and trying to make me feel guilty for caring for someone else when she clearly stated for 2 fucking months that she hated me. But of course it worked and cared enough to apologize and try to fix our relationship. And even though she accepted my apology she basically said, "Whoops sorry I only wanted you to stop loving that girl I don't really want you." Well okay I guess I can understand her flimsy emotions at this time even if it bothered me.
So I stayed friends with her for a while we talked a bit. We basically almost got back to where we were 9 months beforehand before a relationship. Then of course I sent her what I promised before we broke up and she accepted it gladly. She began to say off shot things like. "I still can't get over you." And made me cling to slight hope.
Then the next week after she began saying this she found a boyfriend. Bothered but I could understand somewhat that she wanted comfort from someone that isn't me. But with her new bf came the bullshit. She went ahead and tried to delete all traces of me from her life as if she was ashamed of me. Including a blog that meant a lot to me. "Because my boyfriend asked me to" was her response. Despite how she knew how it felt to lose things like these when all my comments to her were deleted on accident, she deliberately deleted mine and anything related to me.
At this point why the fuck should I not be angry with her. She deliberately toyed with my emotions and as I tried to deal with that she delivered a finishing blow without regard for me. It was only about her. Her. Always has been about what she wants and I guess it always will be. So I did get into an argument with her about it. Yes. Should I have? Maybe not but it's something I couldn't stand. All this fucking time I catered to her as best I could. I adored the ground she stepped on. And after all that she could still fucking say I didn't fucking love her. Truth is she never gave me any trust at all. She believed what her paranoia told her to do.
So then comes in her bf trying to be all big and tough on the internet. Spelling like a 3rd grader he told me to back off his woman and that she isn't mine anymore. I fucking know that and that was not what it was about. He had no right to step in and try taunting me and she had no right to let him or to join in with me. They even tried giving me the bullshit "We're fucking while talking to you." and she taunted me by saying he took her virginity before me. Well guess what I could care less what you do or who you date. It's not my place to know or care anymore. I just wanted you to understand why I was so hurt. But apperently you're just too dense and superficial to care about anyone but what makes you happy.
I also felt peeved at how could this guy who screwed with her in a day love her more then I could. He never suffered the way I did for her. He never had threats of self harm come at him when she didn't get her way. He never had to change his life around for her. He never forced his parents to accept her. Which they finally did. They saw I loved her so they accepted it at last. But at the wrong time. When she wasn't mine anymore. And I can't even bring myself to say she isn't mine to them. I'll tell them sometime when I'm ready. Because it hurts me to say it.
I would be emailing you all this so you would know why I apologized afterword and why I was so angry but I won't. I can't do it. I'm too much of a coward. And you know why because I keep seeing this:
Loving my life with Grant <333333333 The best thing that's ever happened to me <3333333
I can't interrupt your life anymore when I see you so damn happy. I love you so much that I can't bring myself to do it. I care so damn much I'm hoping you're okay right now even if I feel miserable. I said I'd always love you even if you hated me. And I'm not a liar it's true. I love you more then anything. So how can anyone expect me to interrupt your life just to get some piece of mind when you feel so happy. I can't bring myself to make you guilty or to hurt you anymore. So my greatest apology to you can't be heard by you. Maybe one day you'll read this. But I can't make you read it anymore. I'm tired of having no appreciation for anything I do. You may say I never gave you enough attention but that isn't true at all. When my life revolved around you. When I got depressed when I couldn't meet your demands. And when knowing such a beautiful girl isn't safe in my arms anymore it brings me to tears sometimes at night. Because I love her. But I can't have her. Because she won't let me. And most of all she won't hear me anymore because I can't control what I feel. I'm sorry I'm just not that strong a person. I relied too much on someone who didn't feel the same for me. And it's something I can't change.
~<3Ricardo
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I order you to post O_o! Now!!! Do it!!!
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